New Moon: The Parody
by Annie Cullen xx
Summary: Does what it says on the tin... except it's not in a tin, that would be stupid. A parody of The Twilight Saga: New Moon.
1. Chapter 1 Bella's a Guy?

_A/N: New Moon Parody time. Wheey!_

_By the way, RAJOT means Romeo And Juliet Obsessed Teacher_

* * *

Location: Bella's Room.

Bella: (Sleep talking) Gran... Edward... sparkles... I'm Old... BIRTHDAY! (Wakes up) Few, I thought it actually was my birthday.

Charlie: Happy Birthday.

Bella: Oh crap.

AC: Way to be enthusiastic, Charlie. I know she's an obnoxious bitch, but, come on!

Charlie: What do you want me to do? Run in screaming 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY' a the top of my lungs?

AC: Well, yeah.

Charlie: Well, I'm not, Bella, here's your present, take it or leave it.

Bella: Thank... you.

Charlie: And before I go, you have a grey hair.

Bella: I HAVE A WHAT? (Runs to mirror, banging her head on it)

AC: My God, Bella. He's kidding. I know having a sense of humour isn't part of your job description, but honestly!

----

Location: School Car Park.

Jessica: Today's the big day, Bella!

Bella: (In Head) _Crap. She knows, perfect, big-mouth Stanley! Just act normal. _(Out loud) Huh?

Jessica: R and J essay, dude?

AC: I knew it! Bella's a guy!

Jessica: She is?

Bella: Oh, right, yeah. (Gets camera out) I want a picture of you _guys_.

Angela: I take 'em, I'm not in 'em.

Eric: No one will look at you, I'm in the picture!

Jessica: Photoshop so my nose looks good.

AC: I'll Photoshop it so it's HUGE!

Mike: Oh, C-U-L-L-E-N-S here.

Bella: (Thinking face) C-U-L-L-E-N?

AC: CULLEN! CULLEN, YOUR BOYFRIEND'S LAST NAME!

Bella: Oh.

Edward: (Sexy slow-motion walk)

Bella: (Falls because she's high on Edward's sexiness)

Edward: (Picks Bella up) Hello Birthday Girl.

Bella: Don't call me BIRTHDAY GIRL!

----

Location: Hallway

Edward: Why have you got a present from Wolf boy?

Bella: Because I have-- Wait. Wolf Boy?

Edward: Uh...

Alice: Bella! (Jumps over railing and falls) Ahh! (Jumps up) Happy Birthday!

Bella: Shut the fuck up! If anyone says that agin I'll kill them!

Alice: (Hands Bella present) I've seen you open it, and guess what?

AC: She dies a horrible painful death?

Alice: No, she loves it!

AC: Aw, damn it! (Disappears)

Alice: You'll wear it tonight, at our place...

AC: (Appears) Alice, the whole point of a present is that the person who receives it has no idea what it is. You just clued that you wear it, that means CLOTHING!

Bella: A party?

Alice: Please?

Jasper: (Emotion control face)

Bella: (Giggles) Okay!

Alice: Great, I'll see you at 7!

Bella: (Snaps out of the trance) JASPER, STOP CONTROLLING MY EMOTIONS, DAMNIT!

Jasper: Sorry, Happy--

Bella: (Angry face)

Jasper: Never-mind.

----

Location: A lesson (Wait, is the lesson English?)

Edward: (Whispering) _Pfft_. Romeo and Juliet have no idea about suicide.

Bella: (Whispering) Huh?

Edward: (Whispering) Look at them, he's ranting on about how much he loves her and she's not even dead!

AC: (Whispering) Remind you of someone?

Edward: (Whispering) Shut it. Anyway, vampires have better ways to die.

Bella: Like what? ( Gets out note pad and her 'I heart Edward' pen)

Edward: Go to Italy and provoke the Volturi.

Bella: (Writing) Italy... how do you spell Volturi?

Edward: V-o--

RAJOT: Mr Cullen, repeat what just happened!

Edward: Uh... he spoke to Juliet's no-so-dead body?

RAJOT: Eyes on the screen people.

* * *

_1st chapter! Wheey!_

_Next Chapter: The dreaded Birthday party... :O_

_REVIEW?_

_AC x_


	2. Chapter 2 Bella and the Celotape

_A/N: New Moon Parody time. Wheey!_

_TD = Sammy  
TBC = Elizabeth_

* * *

Location: Cullen House

Edward: The Volturi are our Royal Family, the enforce the law.

Bella: Wait a sec., the Volturi are royal, and yet they enforce vampire laws?

Edward: Uh, yeah.

Bella: Then, they're kind of the Royal Government, or Government Family.

Edward: Anyway, let me explain, they have no respect for human life--

AC: Is Cheryl Cole a part of the Volturi, then?

Edward: No.

TBC: Why is the picture moving, what is this, Harry Potter now?

TD: Maybe it's a Twilight and Harry Potter Crossover.

TB: I see no wands, where are the wands?! I WANT MY WANDS!

Edward: Anyhoo, (Serious voice) Victoria will come for me, Alice will see when she deicides...

AC: You think? She's with her new protégé Riley!

Bella: Riley?

Edward: Don't listen. It is my job to protect you... from everyone except my sister.

Alice: HI! IT'S TIME!

AC, TD and TBC: #Your lips are nettles, you tongue is wine, your laughters liquid, but your body's pine!#

Esme: Happy Birthday Bella!

Alice: Here's a present (Hands it to Rosalie)

Rosalie: It's a necklace, Alice picked it out.

AC: UGH! Do you _not_ understand the concept of presents! YOU'RE NOT MEANT TO SAY WHAT THEY ARE, OTHERWISE YOU WOULDN'T WRAP THEM! (Disappears)

Alice: This one is from Emmett.

Bella: (Shakes box)

Emmett: Already installed it in your truck--

AC: (Appears) You did it AGAIN!

Emmett: What?

AC: You can learn on your own. (Disappears)

Alice: Open this one now.

Carlisle: A little something to brighten your emo days.

Esme: You've been looking kind of pale lately. (Pause for reaction) That was a joke!

AC: (Appears) That wasn't really funny.

Bella: (Cuts finger) OH DEAR GOD!

Jasper: (In Head) _Soup soup soup... _(Sees Blood) _Oh my--_(Dives at Bella) Omnomnomnom!

Edward: (Dives in front of Bella) No!

AC, TBC and TD: Yes, YES!

Alice and Rosalie: NO!

----

Location: Bella's room

AC: (Turns on_ Rosyln_)

Bella: (Sigh) Edward probably hates me.

AC: Can I ask, why do you use celotape to stick pictures down... have you ever heard of GLUE?

Bella: It looks better. (Pictures springs up and hits the roof)

AC: (Hands Bell some glue)

Bella: I don't want your charity!

AC: Fine! (Walks away)

----

Location: School (Next Day)

Bella: (On the verge of tears) Edward isn't here.

AC: Really, I wouldn't have noticed, people are alive.

Bella: He's usually here... HE HATES ME! (Runs away crying)

----

Location: Bella's Room

Edward: (Opens the scrapbook) _Pfft_, has she ever heard of Glue?

----

Location: Bella's House/Forest

Bella: (Gets out the the truck) Oh thank God! Hi Edward, where were you today?

Edward: Come take a walk with me.

Bella: Okay.

AC: Bella, you do realize it isn't a good thing, don't you?

Bella: What do you know.

Edward: (Stops in the forest) We have to leave Forks.

Bella: (Bursts out laughing) Seriously.

Edward: I am serious.

Bella: (Laugher dies down) You are?

AC: He just said, didn't he?

Bella: I'll to think of something to tell Charlie (The realization music) When you say we?

AC: I say pee!

Edward: I mean my family and me.

Bella: Oh. Let me come.

Edward: I don't want you to come.

Bella: (Sad face) You don't want me?

Edward: Nope.

AC: EDWARD! For the sake of all TwiHards like myself everywhere, can't you have... I don't know, a Facebook relationship?

Edward: I don't own a computer.

AC: Seriously?

Edward: Nope.

AC: That's like saying you... you hate Eastenders.

Edward: Anyway, Bella, don't do anything reckless, stupid... well, don't be yourself, okay. (Runs away)

Bella: EDWARD!

AC: (Falls to the floor) First Bradley, then they cancelled Ugly Betty and now THIS!

* * *

_:'(_

_Seriously though, has Bella ever heard of glue? And haven't the Cullens heard of the element of surprise?_

_Ugly Betty has been cancelled according to my dad! Correct me if I'm wrong._

_Review?_

_x_


	3. Chapter 3 Edward's Crappy Promise

_A/N: New Moon Parody time. Wheey!_

_CMG = Creepy Moterbike Guy_

_And it's all true! Rob Pattinson is dating Kristen Stewart! (Falls to floor, kicking and screaming) IT'S NOT RIGHT!_

* * *

Location: Bella's Room

Bella: (Sitting on that wooden chair) SIGH!

AC: Bella, I have been dumped before, and I didn't sit doing nothing for 4 months, I had a LIFE!

Bella: H-He was different.

AC: Oh come on, as if they're isn't any other vampires out there! You practically live in the vampire capital of the world!

Bella: I'm not that depressed, you know.

AC: (Opens laptop) Your Facebook reads: _Sigh! I'm overly depressed because my 'special' boyfriend left me!_ _:'( _

Bella: It has a sad face on it, though.

AC: Oh my God, you're an idiot!

----

Location: Bella's Room Again (Except it's 1 month later, and it's at night!)

Bella: (Screams)

AC: Bella, who screams when having a nightmare? Cry, maybe, but scream? Geez, I'm surprised Charlie didn't run up here shouting 'Rape'.

Bella: It was horrible! There as _NOTHINGNESS_!

AC: I have scarier nightmares than what ever you have!

Bella: What could be more scarier than _nothingness_?

AC: Well let's see... Twilight being banned, Rob Pattinson dying, Taylor Launter dying, in fact anyone member a part from Kristen Stewart dying, if Paramore broke up, if they got Edward to tell Jasper's back story instead of himse--

Bella: (Attempting to hang herself)

AC: Nope, get down, you can't die, or there will be no back story telling at all!

----

Location: Outside the cinema

Jessica: Blah blah blah, bing bing blah...

Bella: (In head) _I wish she'd shut up, maybe I should of taken up Charlie's offer to go back to live with my mom... no, I can't, they might come back, they might of realized their mistake and return, but I won't forgive them... Ooh motorbikes._ (Wanders over)

CMG: We have a taker. Ooh and she's female this time.

Edward Ghost: Don't do it.

Bella: (Loudly) OH MY GOD! EDWARD YOU'RE A GHOST? YOU'RE DEAD? PERFECT!

Edward Ghost: No, I'm not dead. Please don't get on that moterbike, you I promised no recklessness.

Bella: Oh, whatever you say-- Wait a second... _me_ promise _you_?

Edward Ghost: That was the plan, yeah.

Bella: Well, you promised you would never leave me, and that was a crappy promise wasn't it?

AC: She's right for once.

Edward Ghost: I... uh... (Vanishes)

Bella: (Shrugs and wanders over to the bikers) Can I ride your bike?

CMG: Whatever.

Bella: (Gets on the bike)

AC: You'll regret _thiiiis_. (Disappears)

----

Location: Jacob's House.

AC: Ew, why are we here?

Bella: Get out of my truck!

AC: No. I'm like your guardian angel... except I want bad things, excluding death, to happen to you.

Bella: Meh.

Jacob: Bella!

Bella: Jacob.

AC: Does no one say hello anymore?

Jacob: How've you been loca?

Bella: I have something for you. I saved them from the junk yard.

Jacob: (Sarcastically) Wow, scrap metal.

Bella: Fix them for me. The we can be (Loudly) Reckless and Stupid!

AC: Edward won't her you, you know, despite his awesome ability to hear far away.

Bella: Oh. Anyway, what do you say?

AC: CHEESE! (Disappears)

Jacob: Okay.

----

Location: Jacob's Garage

Bella: (Turns off music)

Jacob: That's a good song.

Bella: I don't really like music anymore, so--

AC: (Appears and gasps over dramatically) What? You don't like music?

Bella: No.

AC: HAVE YOU HEARD THAT? THE WOMAN'S INSANE! (Falls to ground) Need. Music. Now (Puts iPod in) Ah. Sweet Lily Allen, what would I do with out you?

Jacob: ?

* * *

_I did go pretty insane when Bella said 'I don't like music anymore' in the film, not as mad as in the fic., but internally I screamed at her. And before I forget, if you have anything you want in this that maybe made you laugh or giggle or maybe even die of laughter in the movie/book, tell m and I'll add it in._

_Review! Go, go, GO!_

_Love Annie x_


	4. Chapter 4 Jacob and Bella are LEMONS!

_A/N: New Moon Parody time. Wheey!_

_Ugh. Exams, exams, exams. Whoever invented the idea of exams should be shot! Physics, what the hell? I don't even need physics for what I want to be!_

* * *

Location: School Cafeteria

Angela: I saw a BEAR! Oh My Gosh, it was--

AC: (Appears with the New Moon book) Let me guess, Jet Black?

Angela: Yes.

AC: And bigger than a horse on all fours?

Angela: (Gasps) You saw it too?

AC: Naw, lucky guess.

Eric: I believe you.

Jessica: No he doesn't, he's trying to get lucky.

Eric: (Stops attempting to take Angela's shirt off) What?

AC: Hey Ang. #He wants to have your babies!# (Disappears again)

Bella: (Sits down)

AC: (Appears again) #Here she comes to wreck the _daaaay_!#

Bella: (Frowns) My dad's had some reports and crap like that.

Eric: Last time you clowns doubt my girlfriend.

AC: Bella, a clown? (Falls to ground laughing) Oh my god! It hurts, oh my-- HA!

Bella: Why couldn't I be a clown?

AC: Have you seen yourself? You have no humor.

----

Location: Somewhere

Jacob: This is the clutch... say c-l-u-t-c-h.

Bella: Clutch.

Jacob: And this is the brake... say br--

Bella: Oh just let me drive, fool!

AC: Yeah, let her drive, I want to watch her CRASH!

Bella: I won't crash.

AC: Sure you won't. (Sits on a rock to watch)

Bella: (Sets off) Yey. I'm not crashing yet...

Edward Ghost: (Appears) RAWR!

Bella: AHH! (Falls off the bike)

AC: (Runs over) Okay, okay. (Takes deep breath) HAHAHA! (Falls to ground crying with laughter)

Jacob: You stupid bitch! Your fucking bleeding now!

Bella: I'm sorry.

Jacob: (Takes shirt off)

AC: (Dies)

----

Location: Cinema

Mike: (Sweating a waterfall [Literally])

AC: Are you okay?

Mike: Ye-- (Wipes sweat that's overflowing into his mouth)

Jacob: I heard this movie sucks.

TD: Take your shirt off again.

AC: Sammy, you're a tad late for that now.

TD: I know, but do it again!

Jacob: Not in public.

TD: Pfft, just like Valentines day. (Disappears)

Bella: Jessica bailed, because she's a bitch, and Angela has the 'Stomach Flu'.

AC: You don't believe her? (Disappears and re-appears with a very sick Angela)

Angela: Huh?

Bella: Get it away!

AC: (Disappears and re-appears without Angela)

----

Location: In the movie

Guy on Screen: Put your gun down, or I'll blow your frickin' head off!

Other Guy on Screen: Put both your guns down, or I'll blow both your frickin' heads off.

AC: I could think of so many dirty jokes for those lines.

Mike: I'm gonna throw up! (Runs out)

Bella and Jacob: (Watch him run out)

AC: Yeah, your friend has just run out about to throw up, and you just sit there like two lemons?

Bella and Jacob: (Follow Mike)

Jacob: He's a marshmallow, you should go for someone with a stronger stomach (Big Neon arrows and signs saying ME! on them appear)

Bella: I think he has that stomach flu thats-- GET OFF MY HAND, FREAK!

Jacob: I can't hold you hand?

Bella: Course you can--

AC: Wait a sec., you just told him to get off your hand, and then you said 'You can hold my hand'... Make up your mind!

Jacob: Shush. (To Bella) You like me right, and you think I'm beautiful?

AC: Jake, I didn't think you would of noticed since you were admiring your own pecs at the time, but she had just banged her head on a rock when she said it, maybe she was confused.

Jacob: (Pouting) You're mean.

* * *

_You won't understand the Valentines day bit if you haven't seen it._

_Review?_

_x_


	5. Chapter 5 Bella's Hollow Head

_A/N: New Moon Parody time. Wheey!_

* * *

Location: The Meadow

Bella: (Loud and over the top SIGH)

AC: Meh, I don't know whats great about the meadow, I mean big deal, you saw Edward sparkle here, I saw him sparkle on a BIG SCREEN.

Bella: (Long Pause) Sparkle, I saw him SPARKLE!

AC: (Monotone) Oh, hi Laurent.

Bella: (Gasp) LAURENT?!

AC: No, I just thought I'd say Hi to a tree and call him Laurent.

Bella: Oh, few. I thought you meant it.

AC: I did you bimbo... say Bella, are you a natural brunette?

Bella: Shut up!

Laurent: (Licks lips manically) Bella. (Hides knife and fork)

Bella: Laurent.

Laurent: I went to see the Cullens... they're not there.

AC: Really? I never would of noticed, what with Bella's O.T.T depression period and all.

Bella: Shut it.

Laurent: I'm surprised you didn't go with them, aren't you some sort of pet of their's?

AC: Word check, Laurent. _Weren't _you their pet. They LEFT!

Laurent: Oh, right.

Bella: Sort of.

Laurent: I came as a favor to Victoria... she wants to eat ya'.

Bella: Victoria?

Laurent: She plans to kill you slowly and painfully.

AC: Damn, she stole my idea. (Sits on the floor pouting like a 5-Year old)

Bella: That's not good.

Laurent: But I'll kill you quickly... 'CAUSE I'M COOL!

Bella: Rea-- (Dazzled by Laurent)

AC: #Oh, everybody's Starry Eyed!#

Bella: (Snaps out of dazzle) OH MY EDWARD!

Bushes: (Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle)

Laurent: I don't believe it!

AC: Me either... SAMMY!

TD: (Appears) You rang?

AC: Jacob's coming.

Sam Wolf: RAWR!

Laurent: Eeep. (Runs away)

Paul Wolf: (Chases after Laurent) Omnomnom...

----

Location: Bella's room

Bella: (Rocking backwards and fowards) She's coming. She's coming. She's coming...

AC: I'M HERE! BA-DAM!

Bella: Not you, Victoria.

AC: Well, Edward did kill her mate, and now you'll feel the wrath of Victoria.

Bella: Stop i-- (Tapping on window) AHH, SHE'S HERE! (Hides under bed)

AC: It's a half naked GORGEOUS Jacob Black, actually. (Drools)

Bella: Really?

AC: Ha, I knew you liked him.

Bella: No, I'm just happy he's here... athough he is gorgeous... no, I can't... then again, his abs... NO!

AC: Seriously, _are _you a schizo?

Bella: No.

----

Location: Jacob's house.

Bella: (Knocks on Jacob's door) Sigh... Oh fuck it! (Punches the door down)

Billy: Jacob's not here.

Bella: Fuck you. (Runs to Jake's room)

AC: Aw, that's mean. He's in a wheelchair, be nice, Bella.

Jacob: (Sleeping)

Bella: Aw look at him.

TD: I could take him now... (Takes out a leash)

AC: Sammy, not now, you can have fun with Jacob later.

TD: Fine. (Disappears)

Sam: (Fail attempt at a howl)

Bella: (Runs outside) What did you do to him?

Sam: Me?

AC: Who else do you think, Samantha?

Bella: He didn't want this.

Paul: What did he tell you?

AC: (Mutters in a high voice) That he's a werewolf.

Bella: He's scared of you.

Paul: (Bites his lip, but can't hold it) Haha!

Bella: Grr... BITCH-SLAP!

Paul: Oh no you di-idn't.

AC: Oh, Paul is gonna be _maaaad_.

Paul: (Phases) RAWR!

Bella: Oh shit, this wasn't supposed to happen...

AC: (Sat on a rock eating M&Ms) Yes, I think you'll find it was, Miss Swan.

Bella: SINCE WHEN?

AC: Uh... since Stephanie Meyer wrote it, obviously.

Bella: Okay, Miss Sarcastic! (Sees Paul as a wolf) Eeep! (Runs away)

Jacob: Bella!

AC: Geez, the word 'Hello' was created for a reason... situations like THIS!

Jacob: (Phases)

Bella: I... uh... you... he...

AC: (Throws M&Ms at Bella's head) Hear that everyone... A HOLLOW HEAD! SHE HAS NO BRAIN!

* * *

My crazy obsession with M&Ms came through with this chapter :) And have you noticed when Jacob's in Bella's room, she won't stop glancing at his gorgeous abs? IT'S CRAZY!

Songs: Starry Eyed by Ellie Goulding

Anyhoo, review?

x


	6. Chapter 6 MUDKIPZ!

_A/N: New Moon Parody time. Wheey!_

_The Steve thing is a thing between Elizabeth and Me from a Youtube video :) And the MUDKIPZ thing is between us too, we do it to avoid awkward silences. And I was in a crazy mood writing this._

* * *

Location: A Cliff

Bella: (Taking shoes off and humming the Titanic theme song with psychotic grin on her face)

AC: Ooohh, she's gonna do it!

TBC: (Really quickly) She gonna call him Steve?

AC: (Whispers) Wrong place.

TBC:_ Riiiight._

Bella: (Runs to edge of cliff)

AC: (Looks at TBC) Elizabeth...

TBC: (Hides Harpoon gun) Yes?

AC: Put the gun down.

TBC: (Long pause) But... But... nya! (Points to Bella at the cliff)

AC: (Sighs) Go ahead.

TBC: (Squeals and sneaks up on Bella in the style of Ninja Cat) RAWR!

Bella: Dude... W-T-F?

TBC: Bye bye (Pushes Bella off the cliff)

----

Location: On the beach

Jacob: Breathe... breathe... how did she end up in the water?

TBC: She... fell?

Jacob: Okay.

AC: Muahaha.

Jacob: What the hell were you thinking?

Bella: Uh...

TBC and AC: It's hard to think with no brain... L-O-L. (Disappear)

----

Location: Bella's car

Bella: (Shivering)

Jacob: Are you cold?

Bella: (Breaks off icicle hanging from her nose) N-Not p-p-articularly.

Jacob: (Sighs) Let me be a damn space heater. It's a werewolf thing, you know.

Bella: No, it's a Jacob thing.

AC: I think you'll find it's a _menopause_ thing.

Bella: Oh... my... GOD!

Jacob: What?

Bella: Carlisle's car!

AC: Bella, it may have escaped your empty head, but other people can own a black mercedes, it's common, GET OVER IT!

Bella: Uh...

Jacob: Um...

AC: (Long pause) So... MUDKIPZ.

Bella and Jacob: ?

AC: Haha (Disappears)

Bella: I'M COMING, CARLISLE! (Runs the the house)

Jacob: I can't protect you once you're with them! The line is_ here_!

Bella: (Searches for the line) I see no line... where is it?!

AC: (Draws a line with a Sharpie)

Bella: Few, for a minute there I thought I was gonna have a nervous breakdown

AC: (Mutters) Oh, damn it!

Bella: (Goes inside) ALICE!

AC: OH MY GOD... ALICE!

Alice: WHY ARE YOU ALIVE, MY VISIONS CANNOT BE WRONG!

Bella: Hi to you too, Alice.

Alice: VISIONS, WHY WOULD YOU LIE TO ME?! IT'S OVER BETWEEN US, I'M DIVORCING YOU FOR GOOD THIS TIME!

Bella: _Okaaaaay..._

_----_

Location: Living Room

Alice: Why do you smell like dogs, Bella? I mean, sure, we left, but you could of at least taken a shower! Depression doesn't deprive you of using a DAMN SHOWER!

Bella: It's Jacob.

Alice: Jacob who?

Bella: He's kind of, a werewolf...

AC: (Hysterically) SHE ASKED FOR HIS LAST NAME!

Bella: Black.

AC: (Even more hysterical) YOU RACIST COW! (Runs away)

*~*~*~*

5 Minutes Later...

Bella: You will stay, right?

Alice: As soon as you put the dog out.

Jacob: Okay, enough of the canine jokes!

AC: Wait 'til Breaking Dawn FIDO!

Alice: Meh (Goes outside)

AC: Where did she ever go? Can Vampires smoke?

Bella: Hmm, good question...

Alice: (From outside) NO!

AC: Just curious.

Bella: So...

Jacob: (Tries to kiss Bella, but the phone rings) OH FOR THE LOVE OF KRISTEN STEWART!

Bella: ?

AC: I agree, why her? I mean... UGH!

Jacob: He's arranging a funeral... yes, Charlie Swan, not Charlie Sheen... NO I-- (Puts phone down and speaks in a high pitched voice) He hung up on me!

Bella: Who was it?

Alice: OH MY GOD, EDWARD THINKS YOUR DEAD!

Bella: What?! (Glares at Jacob)

Jacob: (Backs away guiltily)

AC: Oh, you're in for it now.

Bella: DIE!

Jacob: Eeep! Uh... #Stop! I'm not your Number One Enemy!#

* * *

L-O-L... I'll explain, the MUDKIPZ thing is what me and Elizabeth say to avoid awkward silences, and the Is he gonna call him Steve is from a Youtube video tat we thinks funny, as you may see, she helped me write this chapter.

Song: Number One Enemy by Daisy Dares You

REVIEW?


	7. Chapter 7 Felix the Cat

A/N: New Moon Parody time. Wheey!

This is what happen when you watch Family Guy... alone... :O GO STEWIE!

SAW REMEMBER ME YESTERDAY WITH MY MUM AND SAW IT WITH MY MATE (ELIZABETH) YESTERDAY! OMFG! HAVEN'T LIKE ANYTHING THIS MUCH SINCE... TWILIGHT! *GASP* SHOULD WIN AN OSCAR! I'M DEPRESSED BY THAT ENDING!

* * *

Location: Volterra

Alice: Like my Porsche, Bella?

Bella: (Panicking like a crazy person)

Alice: Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella... Isabella, Isabella, Isabella, Bella...

Bella: GOD DAMNIT! WHAT? CAN'T YOU SEE I'M IN A CLEAR STATE OF PANIC? WHAT THE _HELL_ DO YOU WANT?

Alice: ... Hi (Giggles like a child and straightens out her hair... then continues giggling)

Bella: Oh... my God. (Ignores Alice)

Alice: Fine.

----

5 Minutes Later.

Alice: ... Bella, Bella, Be--

Bella: What now?

Alice: Forget it.

Bella: ... No, tell me.

Alice: Doesn't matter now.

Bella: _Pleeease_!

Alice: (Whispering) We're at Volterra.

Bella: Volterra?

Alice: Yes, Volterra, Italy, A COUNTRY!

Bella: Oh okay, no need to shout.

AC: There was every need to shout, your a dumb... person.

Bella: Shut your mouth, ugly mother--

AC: Easy Bella, no need to insult the author... that could be bad for your health.

Bella: Fuck you, you're not the author.

AC: I am... of this here parody... do you want me to go through the rules _again_?

Bella: Please _God _no!

AC: Good... I can't remember them anyway (Disappears)

Bella: That was... odd... (Sighs) We there yet, Al--

Alice: (Road-rage voice) WHO TAUGHT YOU TO FUCKING DRIVE? KRISTEN BASTARD STEWART?!

Bella: O-o... I'm scared...

Alice: (Sane voice) Um, yes Bella dear, we are in Volterra.

Bella: (Shuddering) 'kay...

Alice: Run to the clock tower... g--

Bella: Magic word, Alice.

Alice: DOES THAT MATTER!? GO!

Bella: (Runs) #Pump up the Jam, pump it UP#

AC: (Floating alongside Bella) Ah, 101 Best Running Songs... interesting.

Bella: (Breathlessly) Why... are... you... following... me?

AC: I actually don't know, I have better things to do... maybe to do THIS! (Trips Bella up)

Bella: (Falls)

AC: Had to happen! I crack myself up... Ooh topless Eddie-kins! (Dies)

Bella: Where?

AC: Uh, look around, and guess.

Bella: OH MY EDWARD!

Edward: (Takes shirt off slowly)

AC: (Turns on _Teeth _by Lady Gaga) Work it, baby, work it!

Edward: I'm depressed and lonely and about to kill myself, don't make me laugh... please.

AC: ... 'Kay... (Runs away laughing)

Bella: Edward! NOOOO! (Launches at him) Ahh, sexy abs, I missed you...

AC: (Whispers) You do realize they're drawn on, right?

Edward: (Whiny) Shut up! (Covers up)

----

Location: Volturi Hall

Aro: What a happy surprise! Bella is alive after all!

AC: Wow.. your camper in real life... (Sees Caius and Alec) Ooh... hot.

Edward: You know everything, so get on with it!

Aro: ... You can't read Bella's thoughts... interesting.

AC: Naw, not really. Anyone can work out that inside that head of hers is empty, thats why no-one can read her thoughts or whatever.

Aro: Lets see if she's immune to all our powers, shall we Jane?

Jane: (Scary glance)

Edward: NO!

Jane: Pain.

Edward: (Falls to the ground laughing) No please, it hurts, n--

Bella: I'm confused, I thought she said pain?

Aro: She did.

Bella: Why's he laughing?

Aro: She tickles you, so it hurts.

Bella: (Shrugs) Makes sense.

Jane: (Looks at Bella)

AC: (Sits with fingers and toes crossed) Work, please _please _work.

Aro: (Crazy Joker laugh) Remarkable... but what do we do with you now?

AC: KILL HER!

Bella: (Discretely) Shut up.

Marcus: You already know what your going to do.

TBC: (Appears) Shut up Marcus, we all know you like Bella, (Looks down) Whats with those loafers your wearing?

Marcus: They are my sunday slippers.

TBC: Uh... it's Tuesday.

Marcus: ... So?

TBC: Pfft (Disappears)

Caius: She knows to mu--

AC: I have to stop you right there, Caius.

Caius: (Scowling) Why?

AC: She knows _nothing_, she has no brain, re-phrase.

Caius: She knows nothing except her knowledge of Vampires... shes a liability.

Bella: (The fear is so much more than she can take, so her mouth twitches)

Aro: (Sighs) Felix.

Felix: (In Cat form walks in) Meow.

Aro: Threatening, very threatening. Fear the wrath of my pet Cat Felix.

* * *

Funneh? I thought so... and Teeth by Lady Gaga, it is kind of a stripper song if you listen to it.

Review? x


	8. Chapter 8 Clash of the Directors

A/N: New Moon Parody time. Wheey!

CW: Chris Weitz  
MR: Melissa Rosenberg (I don't know her last name, I think she wrote the script for Twilight and New Moon)  
CH: Catherine Hardwicke\  
DS: David Slade (Eclipse Director)

I have a wicked title for this chapter.

* * *

Location: Still in the Volturi Hall (Halfway through the Edward Vs. Felix fight [Yes, Felix is now human])

Bella: He'd better not die, that means I came for nothing.

AC: Coulda' stayed with Jacob, at least his abs are real, I mean, he worked for them.

Bella: But I love Edward, he--

AC: I know, he completes you, blah blah blah, we've heard that shit before.

Bella: (Glare) What do you mean 'We've'?

AC: The people... watching your every move...

CW: (Appears) ME!

MR: (Appears) AND ME!

CH: (Appears in a crappy puff of BLUE smoke) And m-- (Gasps) Melissa, you TRAITOR!

MR: I have better and bigger things with New Moon... and they liked my script.

CH: You promised, if we went down, we'd go down together.

AC: LEAVE CATHERINE!

CH: Fine! This is boring anyway... I mean look, no colour... it won't win 11 Teen choice awards like Twilight did.

CW: Your right... it will win DOUBLE THAT, BITCH!

Felix: (Whispers to Edward) We should stop fighting...

Edward: Yeah. Director fight.

AC: (Switches on Rock that Body by Black Eyed Peas) #I wanna Rock right now...#

CW: (Grabs Fake Edward dummy and smacks Catherine in the face) Take that, bitch!

CH: (Grabs a rock) Everyone knows sequels suck!

AC: That's kind of wrong...

CH: (Gasp) What?

AC: New Moon was better than Twilight...

CH: (Gets angry)

AC: It had Taylor Launter TOPLESS! You had him fully clothed!

CH: (Screams and attacks Chris with her iPod)

MR: (Runs away crying)

*~*~*~*~*

10 Minutes later

CH: (Breathlessly) I... hate... you...

CW: (Breathlessly) Just... because... we had a... better...special effects team.

CH: (Breathlessly) I... had... the best... vampire eyes.

CW: (Breathlessly) I got to... do a paper cut action... scene.

AC: You've been at this for 10 minutes, give it up, even the Vampires are falling asleep, and they can't even sleep!

CW: (Breathlessly) No.

AC: Don't make me bring in the beast.

CW and CH: ?

AC: (Sighs) Bring him in.

TBC: (Pushes in a box)

DS: (Burst out) I'M BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU LOSERS! HA!

----

Location: Cullens House

Bella: You know what I want... so lets VOTE!

AC: (Runs in) Are we voting how we should kill you?

Bella: No.

Alice: YES! I WANT YOU TO BE A VAMP!

Jasper: I vote yes, it would be nice t not want to kill you all the time.

AC: Ahh, that problem will be delt with, but what about their bastard love-child?

Bella and Edward: (O.o face)

AC: (Gasps) Ye know too much-A!

Emmett: (Coughs) I vote HELL YEAH!

AC: Hell Yeah wasn't an option, it was either Yes or No!

Emmett: YES!

* * *

I loved the Director's Fight :)

So, review? x


	9. Chapter 9 Teams

A/N: I've just read that David Walliams from Little Britain might be in Breaking Dawn... apparantely he might be a vampire. All I had in my head when I found out (and if you watch Little Britain you'll know) is him going to the Cullen's and answering in scottish '_Yeeees_' and 'Computer Says No'

And I voted for the MTV Movie Awards! Either Remember Me, New Moon or Paranormal Activity won for me :)

Bella's nickname: I-so-smella (Isabella)

* * *

Location: Edward's Car

Edward: (Scowling)

Bella: I'll wait until after Graduation... it'll be easier on Charlie--

AC: Hang on there I-so-smella! Wait until after Graduation?

Bella: Uh... yeah.

AC: That'll make him feel better? I can see it now, 'Oh Charlie, Bella's dead' and Charlie saying 'What?! It's fine, she graduated, s'all good!' ARE YOU INSANE!

TBC: Yes.

Bella: No I'm not! Edward, tell them I'm not insane!

Edward: (Whispering) She's not insane.

AC: You Robot. (Disappears)

Jacob: (Jumps in front of the car) I regret NOTHING!

Bella: STOP! YOU'LL HIT JACOB!

Edward: (Continues driving with an evil glint in his eyes)

Bella: (Slams breaks on) Few.

Jacob: (Walks into forest)

AC: (Follows Jacob drooling)

Jacob: I see you're still alive...

Edward: He thinks I'm keeping you away from him.

Jacob: Ew, stay out of my head.

AC: (Whimpers on the floor in between them)

Jacob: Whats wrong with you?

AC: I'M UNDECIDED! ITS SO UNFAIR FOR YOU BOTH TO BE SO HOT!

Jacob and Edward: ??

AC: (Wipes eyes) I don't know what team I am. It's so hard to decide now!

Jacob: (Pushes Edward way and turns on 'Hot' by Inna) Well, (Runs hand down his abs)

AC: Ooh... (Claps and squeals in a true Fangirl style [Not normal behaviour])

Edward: (Pushes Jacob away and speaks sexily, running his hand through his hair) S'up.

AC: (Dazzled) Uh... I...

Jacob: (Runs in front of Edward with a shirt on and slowly takes it off)

AC: (Eyes so wide they could fall out)

Edward: ... Oh! (Holds a photoshopped picture of Bella naked in front of Jacob)

Jacob: Oooh!

Edward: (Taks shirt off and sparkles)

AC: Sexy... very, very sexy...

Jacob and Edward: What Team are you, then?

AC: (Giggles) I don't know... maybe... OH... I could be TEAM JEDWARD!

Jacob and Edward: !!

AC: In fact, no, that's just looks like I'm Team John and Edward... and I hate those annoying fag twins. (Shudders with disgust)

Jacob: Few!

AC: Team Werewire! Anyway, when were you so interested in the teams?

Edward: Only since I learned Mutt-boy here had one, I'm trying to get everyone onto my team (Sees passerby) Be Team Edward (Passes leaflet)

Passer-by: Thanks...

AC: What if I told you I was also Team Stefan Salvatore?

Edward: (On the phone) Hello, yes, can I book a flight to Mystic Falls please?

AC: Team Eric?

Edward: (Still on the phone) Scratch that, Bon Temps, Louisiana?

AC: What of I said... I'm Team Aston from JLS?

Edward: (Still on the phone) ... You know what, ignore all that, I would like to book a flight to London, please.

AC: This is so fun... Oh, I know! (Smugly) I'M TEAM BE-- BE-- (Cough) BELLA!

TBC: (Gasp)

TD: (Gasp)

Fangirls: (Gasp)

Whole World: (Gasp)

Edward: (Shrugs) That don't bother me.

AC: Oh damn it!

Bella: Yey... one fan!

AC: Not even that, I was kidding.

Bella: Awh.

* * *

NOT END CHAPTER! I have my own take on the proposal to do yet. Mua hahaha!

The Team thing is true... I am undecided, well, Team Edward in the books (Because Jacob is a TWAT in the books) and Team Jacob in the movies (The abs! OME!)

Song: Hot -- Inna

Review?


	10. Chapter 10 Do Wah Doo

A/N: Okay, just watched New Moon and have a real funny idea for the proposal... my own take on it(:

Song from last chapter:  
- Hot by Inna

Last chapter I'm afraid... but I'll write and Eclipse one :)

* * *

Location: Forest still

Jacob: (Phases) RAWR!

Edward: (Rips shirt off manically) RAWR!

AC and Bella: !!

AC: Ooft, that's hot!

Bella: Stop, um... uh... you can't hurt each other without hurting... me?

Edward: (Put shirt back on)

AC: Awh!

Bella: Few, for a minute there I thought I was going to be killed.

AC: AWH!

Jacob: (Looks at Bella in wolf form)

AC: (Mutters) If he crys, I cry!

Jacob: (Tear appears)

AC: If that tear falls down his wolf cheek... I will CRY!

Jacob: (Tears falls down his cheek)

AC: (Cries) THE PAIN HE MUST FEEL! HOW COULD YOU BELLA! YOU SELFISH NO GOOD BITCH!

Bella: I love Edward, though.

AC: SO FUCKING WHAT! I LOVE HIM TOO, BUT GIVE THE POOR BO-- WOLF A CHANCE, A KISS AT LEAST!

Bella: Uh...

AC: HALF THE FUCKING CINEMA WAS CRYING FOR GOD SAKE!

Bella: Well I... wait... cinema?

AC: (Innocent expression) Who wants ice cream? I could do with some Ben and Jerrys right about now. (Starts eating none-existant ice cream nervously)

Edward: (Clears throat) Hm, uh... Anyway, Bella, wait 5 more years, please.

AC: (With a mouth full of invisible ice cream) Then she'd be old, 23 to be exact.

Edward: 3 then.

AC: (Still with a mouth full of invisible ice cream) 21, still counts for paedophilia.

Edward: So stubborn.

Bella: What the fuck?! I didn't even answer those!

Edward: I have one... condition, though.

Bella: (Gasps in the style of Amanda from Ugly Betty) You mean like an illness?

Edward: No.

Bella: Phew!

AC: (Coughs) Airhead (Coughs)

Bella: If it's not an illness, what's the condition?

Edward: (Long O.T.T pause with heavy breathing) Marry me... Bella.

Bella: (In mid-gawk mode)

AC: Bella... _Beeeellaaaa_? Good, Edward, I'll marry you.

Edward: Uh...

AC: Come on, I mean I love you more... I understand you and I... love you!

Edward: I... uh...

Bella: (Snaps out of gawking) YES!

AC: Oh you _would _snap out of that stupid gawking thing now! Just as I was about to get me a vamp!

Bella: I was... pausing for effect.

AC: Pausing for effect? Please (Scoffs and walks away)

Edward: So... you gonna marry me, don't leave me hanging.

Bella: YES!

Jacob: (Runs over) N'aww!

Bella: Jake... W-T-F.

Jacob: I LOVE YOU!

AC: We know.

Jacob: Please! I beg you!

AC: That's funny because you're a dog... and they beg. (Laughs loudly)

Edward: (Sighs) Dog, she loves me.

AC: And... #If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it!#

Jacob: I love Beyonce... but it makes sense in an odd way.

Edward: That one sentence said it all...

Jacob: What?

Edward: Nothing.

AC: (Turns on Kate Nash's _Do Wah Doo_) #Everybody thinks that girls so fine, everybodys's like I'll make her mine...#

Jacob and Edward: (Shift awkwardly) Well we, uh...

AC: #Everyone thinks she's a bit of alright, But I think that she's not so nice.#

Bella: (Gasps) What?!

AC: (Stops singing) Was it not obvious I thought that?

Bella: No, but--

AC: Exactly... #Every guys lookin' in her eyes, Every guys checkin' out her thighs#

Edward: Well... I'm not... I like her blood... Puppy boy on the other hand, is.

AC: (Rolls eyes) #Everyone thinks that girls a lady, But I don't I think that girls shady.#

Bella: What! (Walks away)

Edward: Bella-kins! Wait! (Follows Bella)

Jacob: (Also follows Bella) Yes Bella, wait!

AC: (Sighs and rolls eyes) #But I think she's a bitch!#

* * *

Ooft, I'm obsessed with that song atm, and had it perfectly placed in the is chapter :D Again, it's 'Do Wah Doo' by Kate Nash. :)

So, review? x


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